Boundaries (Chapter 11)

Though it's been a while since I finished reading Boundaries, I still have four chapters' worth of notes to recount, starting with this one, which discusses boundaries at work. There's a lot to like in this chapter, at least for this workaholic.

Cloud and Townsend advise the boundary builder that work builds character, but only if done with the whole heart. Taking on a coworker's responsibilities isn't their fault; it's yours. Still, the point that I plan to take most heavily to heart is that another's poor planning is not my emergency (and vice versa).

"Say no to the unimportant, and say no to the inclination to do less than your best. If you are doing your best work or the most important things, you will reach your goals." (208)

Yes, this should be integral to how I approach my To-Smite List. The scripts should be the priority, but thus far, they've been going desperately slowly, thanks to choosing more quick-to-finish tasks like reading and website work. The only problem is that these quick-to-finish tasks are shortly replaced by even more quick-to-finish tasks, so before I know it, months have passed without finishing the first important project I set out to do. It may be beneficial to set aside two hours minimum every day exclusively for script work.

"Limits on good things keeps them good." (209)

I would add that delaying the reward adds anticipation, which makes the final moment all the more delicious.

"Allow[...]critical people to be who they are, but keep yourself separate from them and do not internalize their opinion of you. Make sure you have a more accurate appraisal of yourself, and then disagree internally." (210)

This actually extends far beyond work to friends, family, and even complete strangers. When I get jabbed, I have hitherto failed to fall back upon a group of supportive people and instead internalized the jab, more or less allowing the barb to dig deeper instead of asking for help. As I seek out a new support group this year, things should change dramatically. Also, as I continue to improve my management skills and personal responsibility, many of my critics will disappear.

"Until you face your own feelings, you can't even see who others really are." (211)

Again, this extends beyond the work environment. It has been historically difficult for me to separate the subjective and objective identities of a person. What I mean by this is that I sometimes project my feelings onto someone else, making them the source of my discomfort when, in fact, my own interpretation and the baggage that each interpretation holds, determines how I feel about the situation.

The final good advice of this chapter revolves around finding one's life's work, the pursuit that fulfills and inspires. To find it, one must separate from attachments (influences?) and follow one's own desires. One must take ownership of how one feels, thinks, and what one wants. One must assess one's talents and limitations. I have taken many of these steps offline. I know I want to write. I can create great worlds, but my ability to buckle down and focus on them is limited by my increasing disdain for sitting in front of the computer screen for extended periods of time. As I work on building my financial freedom, my independence from my main attachments should increase. But first, gotta get a steady paycheck.

Boundaries (Chapter 10)

This chapter deals with how to set boundaries with your children. This doesn't resonate with me right now, but it does have some useful messages about helping others emotionally.

Ways to help someone emotionally:
• Allow them to talk about their anger
• Allow them to express grief, loss, or sadness without trying to cheer them up and talk them out of their feelings
• Encourage them to ask questions
• Ask them what they are feeling when they seem isolated or distressed; help them put words to their negative feelings

I especially want to address the second bullet point. I admit I don't really know how to act when someone else is upset; it's a fun part of Asperger's Syndrome. The instinct is to try and cheer the other person up, but really, sometimes grief is important. Sometimes it just takes some listening ears and a positive sort of silence, the presence of another, supportive human being. It is not unkind to give no offers of help or rescue, because each person's own healing must inevitably come from within. Supporters are rungs to the ladder; one cannot make an individual rung responsible for one's own journey up.

Boundaries (Chapter 9)

There must always be reasonable consequences. I repeat, there must always be reasonable consequences. I've inherited a long list of empty threats, and it's difficult to invoke consequences for fear of destroying a relationship. Nonetheless, if one does not spray the dog with the water bottle, the dog will think shedding on the couch is perfectly appropriate behavior. Of course, this is a bad metaphor to apply to a chapter on marriage, but since I'm not married and won't be for a long time (at least), I'm going to apply this chapter to my life as best as I can.

The chapter opens with a story of a wife who is always late, which irritates the husband. He wants to go to a banquet and tells her to be ready by 6:00. When she isn't, he leaves without her. She is furious, but he had expressed his feelings, and she had ignored them. While this seems manipulative or passive-aggressive at first glance, if one discusses feelings and consequences at the onset, then actually following through shows the other person how their own actions harm them.

"Only we know what we can and want to give, and only we can be responsible for drawing that line. If we do not draw it, we can quickly become resentful." (162)

My lines have hitherto been hazy at best. I have volunteered to fight people's battles for them, to help them financially, and to call them every morning like a good boyfriend would, right? Boy, has the resentment built up after that 120% is met with a mere 50%. So, a new line must be drawn: excluding holidays, no favors unless requested specifically. For me, that will be tough as hell, but to preserve my own energy and allow myself to give more appropriately, the limit must be made. It is also my responsibility to allow others their choices but let them know that I, too, can choose not to tolerate them.

"Passive boundaries, such as withdrawal, triangulation, pouting, affairs, and passive-aggressive behavior, are extremely destructive to a relationship." (165)

Silence breeds silence; according to Simon and Garfunkel, it is a cancer. In silence, the imagination runs wild and a small conflict suddenly balloons into a culmination of all of one's resentment to the world pointed in a searing laser blast at the target person. This book recommends verbal communication followed by appropriate action for conflict resolution. It must be clear and unapologetic, even if the risk is the collapse of a relationship. If it is honest and the other person cannot tolerate it, then much is revealed of incompatibility. Without these measures, there can be no increase in intimacy or mutual understanding.

Finally, I need to take these messages to heart:

"A hurt heart takes time to heal. You cannot rush back into a position of trust with too much unresolved hurt. That hurt needs to be exposed and communicated. If you are hurting, you need to own that hurt." (166)

Separateness maintains a healthy longing. It gives the other person a chance to miss you.

Boundaries (Chapter 8)

This chapter starts with a story about a woman who calls a friend for a movie, having always taken the initiative to see this friend, who never calls, but her friend is unavailable. Yeah, been there.

I have a tendency to either expect too much from individual friends or to feel obligated to see certain others. Townsend and Cloud describe four types of relationship conflicts, but the one that resonates with me the most is the Compliant/Nonresponsive relationship, which I've recognized from its symptoms: depression, resentment, self esteem issues, etc. It manifests as a controlling nature; I feel that if I don't put forth 120% of the work, the friendship will die. Unfortunately, this means, in both friendship and relationships, that I tend to overwhelm the other person with my efforts then turn cold when they are not returned with the same intensity. Of course, the other person can be totally oblivious to my personal anxiety. To this, Cloud and Townsend say, "Each person must carry his own load."

Often, my commitment to commitment is so strong that it becomes a hindrance, but these statements resonated with me:

"[...]we cannot depend on commitment or sheer willpower, for they will always let us down[...]Being loved leads to commitment and willful decision making." (151)

This, of course, has been an enormous problem with my dating life. I commit before I know the feeling is mutual, and I give the extra 120% that I either don't get or refuse to take from my friends, which then leads to further abandonment and further hurt.

"[Dating] is not a place for young, injured souls to find healing." (153)

In order to combat my cravings for intimacy, the book recommends that I stop placing all of my emotional well being on an individual person and instead spread it over a group, chiefly a support group. This is a challenge for me, because I don't function socially in groups. I'm very much a one-on-one person, but focusing my light and my darkness on individuals creates a severing laser. Therefore, starting now but hopefully culminating in 2011, I'm going to search for a new support group or at least a group of friends with whom I genuinely mesh. Wish me luck.

Boundaries (Chapter 7)

This chapter went into detail about boundaries and family. Lots to relate to here. Lots of work to do. It provides a list of steps to take for resolving many of the problems it brings up, but I will not detail them here; instead, my work on them will be cataloged in Ass Burgers. In any case, here were some of the highlights:

"In the perpetual child syndrome, a person may be financially on his own, but allows his family of origin to perform certain life management functions[...]This often happens in friendly, loving families, where things are so nice it’s hard to leave." (133)

It is nice to be one of those people who can still look forward to going home once in a while. My family and I have had our disagreements over the years, but nothing has really been catastrophic. Nonetheless, boundaries must be clarified. Take, for instance, the process of going home. In the past few years, I've developed the mentality that if I don't accept an invitation to go home or stay longer than I'd planned, I'm disappointing my parents. There doesn't even have to be anything said; it's all in a feeling. This may be part of the reason I still allow them to mostly determine what we do while I'm home and why I still let my mom handle a lot of my financial aspects. Severing this dependency in a reasonable manner will be my top goal when I go home for the holidays next week.

“Triangulation is the failure to resolve a conflict between two persons and the pulling in of a third to take sides. This is a boundary problem because the third person has no business in the conflict, but is used for comfort and validation by the ones who are afraid to confront each other. This is how conflicts persist, people don’t change, and enemies are made unnecessarily[…]What happens in the triangle is that people speak falsely, covering up their hatred with nice words and flattery.” (134)

This is prominent, but hardly limited to, my family dynamic. I've long been sought out as a listening ear for the issues that family members and friends have had with each other, and to be fair, I've often been the one searching out Person C to bemoan Person B. Sometimes this is necessary, such as when the other person is unavailable or too emotional, but the frequency with which it happens in my family, to the point that direct communication is something of a novelty, is ridiculous. While repairing this pattern will not be a goal of mine when I go home, staying out of the drama will be.

“Never say to a third party something about someone that you do not plan to say to the person himself.” (135)

This mirrors my Back-Door Policy, which states that one should "only say about another person what you wouldn't mind them hearing if they walked in the back door." It could also fall in with the Thumper Philosophy, but I'd say the main reason this will be important for me to follow is that there is no guarantee that Person C will keep your secret. When Person B finds out, there is nothing to prevent the shit from hitting the fan or the back door from slamming shut.

Some additional useful advice provided in this chapter include:

• Take in and receive the good (Don’t just understand your need; get it met!)
• Practice Boundary Skills (Practice them in situations where they will be honored and respected)
• Say no to the Bad (Avoid hurtful situations; don’t try to resolve too quickly)
• Forgive the aggressor (grudges keep to you tied to the person forever)
• Respond, don’t React (The difference is emotional; a calm response keeps your boundaries intact)
• Learn to love in freedom and responsibility, not in guilt (Boundaries mean you are gaining freedom to love)

This will serve as a reference for future self projects, but for now, I shall conclude with this last really useful message:

“Codependents are not doing good; they are allowing evil because they are afraid.” (141)

Fear dominates my life. It's time to overcome it.

Boundaries (Chapter 6)

Chapter 6 details the myths surrounding boundaries. A lot of them resonated with me, but the following did more than others.

Myth 2: Boundaries are a sign of disobedience

This continues the discussion on compulsive agreement, particularly the disparity between an external yes and an internal no. When we say yes to someone but really mean no, we are only complying, which is basically lying. To say yes for the sake of maintaining an external peace, while resentment for the decision builds internally, is to do a disservice to oneself and others. In fact, being able to say no to someone is a higher way of loving than simply bending to another's wishes.

"We must always say yes out of a heart of love. When our motivation is fear, we love not." (Page 111)

Myth 3: If I Begin Setting Boundaries, I Will Be Hurt by Others

"We can't manipulate people into swallowing our boundaries by sugarcoating them. Boundaries are a 'litmus test' for the quality of our relationships." (Page 112)

Myth 4: If I Set Boundaries, I Will Hurt Others

"Even when someone has a valid problem, there are times when we can't sacrifice for some reason or other.[...]We all need more than God and a best friend. We need a group of supportive relationships. The reason is simple: having more than one person in our lives allows our friends to be human. To be busy. To be unavailable at times. To hurt and have problems of their own. To have time alone." (Page 115)

Myth 7: Boundaries Cause Feelings of Guilt

"What do we owe not only our parents, but anyone who's been loving toward us?[...]The idea is that because we have received something, we owe something. The problem is the nonexistent debt. The love we receive, or money, or time—or anything which causes us to feel obligated—should be accepted as a gift. / 'Gift' implies no strings attached. All that's really needed is gratitude." (Page 123)

This reading came a day too late, but fortunately, the experience was marked by a perfect case study example of a boundary violation. While waiting for my friend outside a movie theater, I was accosted by a worker for Children International. Apart from being the spitting image of my cousin, in face and mannerism, she immediately set about to telling me why I would sign up to donate right then and there.

Despite my half-hearted attempts to reason with her why I couldn't justify signing up for a monthly donation at this stage of my life, she very quickly pointed out that the monthly cost is equivalent to eating out twice and told me to get out my credit card. At this point, there were two voices playing in my head, Fiscal Responsibility and Compassion. With my financial futures so uncertain, I don't know how many more monthly expenses I can handle and for how long. On the other hand, I would like to make a difference in a child's life, and I was charmed by the representation of the organization in About Schmidt. The problem I had was in being told then and there that I would do it, that I couldn't take home any paperwork and think about it, and that I'd get two letters a year from whomever my mysterious child will be. The onslaught overwhelmed me, I acquiesced, and I instantly felt sick. I had complied, because I couldn't say no to the pressure. The organization offers refunds, but then the question of whether this might just be something worthwhile holds me back.

While I felt angry at myself for several days after, I at least know now, after reading this chapter, that it is perfectly legitimate to say no to someone when saying yes could be in some way damaging. Whether I request a refund or not will depend on the course of the next 30 days.

Boundaries (Chapter 5)

No big self-analyses for this chapter. Instead, I'm just going to share a few useful tidbits that I've gleaned from the text:

The first step in a 12-Step program, admitting powerlessness over addiction, establishes the fact that you want to do one thing but repeatedly do the opposite. One then asks God (one's higher power) for help to find the right path for you. The process of repentance, therefore, is establishing the negative parts of your life that you want to change.

"'I'm loving too much.'
'How can you love too much?'
'I do far more for people than I should. And that makes me very depressed.'
'I'm not quite sure what you are doing, but it certainly isn't love. The Bible says that true love leads to a blessed state and a state of cheer. Love brings happiness, not depression. If your loving is depressing you, it's probably not love.'" (Page 93)

If you're motivated by fear, you are not loving. If you say yes to everything, you are not loving. If you are motivated by shame over receiving and feel compelled to pay someone back for a gift, you are not loving. The Law of Motivation states: Freedom first, service second. The virtue is in giving freely without compulsion.

"It is crucial for victims of abuse to feel the rage and hatred of being powerless, but to be screaming 'victim rights' for the rest of their lives is being stuck in a 'victim mentality.'" (Page 98)

"Proactive people show you what they love, what they want, what they purpose, and what they stand for[...]Proactive people do not demand rights, they live them." (Page 98)

Boundaries (Chapter 4)

I should start this section with one of the most spot-on observations in this chapter:

"No matter how much you talk to yourself, read, study, or practice, you can't develop or set boundaries apart from supportive relationships with God and others." (Page 66)

I do a lot of self-help reading, but it continues to be difficult for me when it comes to applying what I've learned to the real world, mostly because when I mention what I've learned, those who hear it out of context tend to downplay it and thus, with my own lack of boundaries, so do I. Controllers are everywhere, whether they realize it or not.

There are a few more passages that struck a chord with me:

"The earlier the child learns good boundaries, the less turmoil he or she experiences later in life[...]and a better transition into adulthood." (Page 75)

"When parents* pull away in hurt, disappointment, or passive rage, they are sending this message to their youngster: You are lovable when you behave. You aren't lovable when you don't behave[...]Children whose parents* withdraw when they start setting limits learn to accentuate and develop their compliant, loving, sensitive parts. At the same time, they learn to fear, distrust, and hate their aggressive, truth-telling, and separate parts. If someone they love pulls away when they become angry, cantankerous, or experimental, children learn to hide these parts of themselves." (Page 77)

This is basically how I would describe the gay side of me. When I go home, we do not speak of it, or if it comes up, the topic is consistently uncomfortable and short-lived. I act as straight as possible when I am around my family and straight male friends, even when I'm around other gay people and just don't want to appear "as gay." This builds not only a level of resentment toward them but also a certain unwillingness to spend time with them, to spend time back in the mask. In my past relationships, my insecurities have been flouted and mocked, but never allayed, and I have interpreted this to mean that my insecurities should be ignored in favor of a good show. Boy, does that ever mess a person up...

"Ever wonder why some Christians fear an angry God, no matter how much they read about his love?" (Page 79)

"Adult children of alcoholics** never feel safe in relationships. They're always waiting for the other person to let them down or attack them unexpectedly. They keep their guard up consistently." (Page 82)

While neither of my parents are alcoholics, I will say that, without their support, I approach relationships with distrust and cynicism. I can be quite taken with someone, and after one call from my mother, even if the subject of dating never comes up (which it doesn't, unless I bring it up), I am instantly convinced that this is another "naive infatuation" and that I'm better off ending it before I'm let down again. This is where I need to work hardest on my own boundaries. I can't let the disapproval of anyone else determine my own feelings. This hypersensitivity lets me live the lives of others while ignoring my own.

---

^{* Also applies to relationships
** Insert whatever addiction or obsession you so desire.}

Boundaries (Chapter 3)

Chapter 3 details the different types of boundary problems. I identified with many of them.

Compliants
"When parents teach children that setting boundaries or saying no is bad, they are teaching them that others can do with them as they wish[...]To feel safe in such an evil world, children need to have the power to say things like: 'No.'" (Page 52)

"The inability to say no to the bad is pervasive. Not only does it keep us from refusing evil in our lives, it often keeps us from recognizing evil." (Page 53)

I've grossly misunderstood what "yes" really means. The way I've understood it, "yes" is the good, positive thing to say, that only negative, unlikable people say "no" to others, and so I've let myself be walked all over for years, because I could not say no, mostly out of fear. I believe this started in youthful conflicts with my brother. He would tease me mercilessly, and, lacking his mental sharpness, I would respond in the only way I understood: clobbering him, or at least attempting to. Most times, my parents would physically restrain me while my brother continued taunting me. I doubt they had bad intent; they just wanted to keep me from killing him. Nonetheless, my helplessness against his taunting and the regular reprimands that since I'm the oldest, I should be setting the example (Who the fuck understands what "setting the example" means at age 8?) somehow got planted in my head to the point that I've come to see abuse as not only unavoidable, but also somehow merited.

Avoidants

Avoidants refuse to ask for help, recognize their own needs, and let others in; they withdraw when they are in need but do not ask for the support of others. Again, here, I've been guilty as charged. Having been told many times, explicitly or implicitly, to stop whining or that negativity is not an attractive quality, it has become my impression that expressing my negative emotions (sadness, anger, jealousy, etc.) is the wrong thing to do and destroys friendships. Hence, the showmanship, the extreme cheer, and the complete refusal to accept help from others (or feelings of guilt when people do help me.)

Controllers

These are the people who can't hear "no," who either crush boundaries as impediments to their own agendas or else manipulate others out of their boundaries. These are the people who are most dangerous to me and also those whom I am learning to recognize early. While I'm getting better at recognizing them from afar, I still have a lot of work to do when it comes to getting away from a face-to-face manipulation.

Nonresponsives

Nonresponsives lack attention to the responsibilities of love, i.e. taking part in the emotional needs of those with whom they have relationships. The two kinds are critical, which projects self hatred onto others, and narcissistic, which is wholly self-absorbed. I need a lot of work here too. I get angry when others want to spend time with me, when I haven't finished my projects. I also stay distant from others' problems because I have so many of my own, to the point that I can be terribly insensitive.

The nice thing about this chapter is that it pinpoints very distinct patterns of insufficient boundaries. Having them laid out so clearly before my eyes, I am starting to notice them more in daily life. This is a good first step. Now I need to start applying them to real, off-the-page experiences.

Boundaries (Chapter 2)

I decided to read an extra chapter today, since it's raining out, and the first chapter intrigued me. Chapter 2 outlines the different types of boundaries, from the physical (skin) to the spiritual (truth), and accounts for all the things that set them (e.g. responsibility and desires). What I'm really enjoying about this book so far is the moderate way it approaches the Bible, giving solid distinction between glorifying God (which appeals to me) and worshiping God (which does not). This, however, will be an Ass Burgers topic.

I've included some quotes below that have resonated with me on my journey.


"As it stands now, he is irresponsible and happy, and you are responsible and miserable." (30)
I can see this in myself, in my roommates, and in my parents. It's the idea of being responsible and keeping one's mouth shut about another's irresponsibility in order to keep the peace, mostly out of fear of an unfavorable reaction. What most do not realize is that volcanoes build in silence.


"Our fences need gates in them... Confessing pain and sin helps to 'get it out' so that it does not continue to poison me on the inside." (35)
It's far too easy to set up a boundary as a wall. Much of my spiritual panic in the last two years has established a wall that will not allow good in or bad out. In order to correct this, I need to acknowledge more external good and either accept or refute more internal bad.


"Sometimes a person is pressuring you to do something; other times the pressure comes from your own sense of what you 'should' do. If you cannot say no to this external or internal pressure, you have lost control of your property and are not enjoying the fruit of 'self control.'" (36-37)
I relate to this in so many ways, especially on those nights when I get invited to multiple events at the same time. I feel that I should spend time with the person I haven't seen in the longest while, even if their activity is not as interesting to me as the other. Most times, I end up canceling on both for fear of disappointing one over the other, but in the end, both are disappointed. With expanded self-control, one person can be instantly gratified, and the next will have a delay, but still gratification eventually.


"The Bible urges us to separate from those who continue to hurt us and to create a safe place for ourselves. Removing yourself from the situation will also cause the one who is left behind to experience a loss of fellowship that may lead to changed behavior." (38)
This beautifully summarizes my reasoning for logging off of Facebook. The situation of watching interactions between others, while being ignored, of volunteering information without actually receiving interest, and of contorting myself to entertain and receive approval of others, was hurting me and had been hurting me for years. Since leaving it and getting past the withdrawals, the quality of life has taken an immense upward turn.


"Forgive, but guard your heart until you see sustained change." (39)
Wise words to live by. These could have saved me all sorts of trouble, and, in fact, have recently been very useful in the relationship field. Now all that remains to be ingrained in my brain is direct confrontation over the matters of sustained change or lack thereof.


"We have been so trained by others on what we 'should' do that we think we are being loving when we do things out of compulsion." (44)
I've thought of this a lot lately now that the radio is announcing the frenzy of the holiday season and my coworkers are complaining about the forthcoming stress. The funny thing I've noticed about Christmas is how many gifts are given for the sake of propriety, without consideration for need or want but only the fear of someone's reaction to getting nothing. We demand to get, or we are too afraid not to demand. Thus, the magic of the season is lost to anxiety, and a barrier is placed among family members. Some of the best things I have received at Christmas have been words and actions, written, promised, or acted out. They are the most memorable and the most meaningful.

Boundaries (Chapter 1)

I saw this book sitting on my coworker's desk, and when I asked how it was, she let me borrow it on the spot. Whether this is, in itself, an issue of boundaries remains to be determined. In any case, it seems to be just the sort of thing I need to learn.

Chapter 1 sets up the premise of a life without boundaries, taking on everyone else's problems, trying to be nice for the sake of niceness, and as a religious text, taking the Bible's words on self-sacrifice to an extreme. Being historically guilty of many of these characteristics, I'd say this book will be very useful. The issues I hope to overcome, based on what I've gleaned from this first chapter, are:

1. Being nice out of fear of anger.
2. Keeping my mouth shut in order to "keep the peace."
3. Thinking of self care as selfish.
4. Putting the problems and needs of others on a higher scale of importance than my own.

I can see where much of the story presented appears in my own life and the lives of those around me, so as I respond to the coming chapters, I will hopefully be able to express progress and how I apply what I've learned to daily life. Some of this may also reflect in Ass Burgers. Now, onward.