I should start this section with one of the most spot-on observations in this chapter:
"No matter how much you talk to yourself, read, study, or practice, you can't develop or set boundaries apart from supportive relationships with God and others." (Page 66)
I do a lot of self-help reading, but it continues to be difficult for me when it comes to applying what I've learned to the real world, mostly because when I mention what I've learned, those who hear it out of context tend to downplay it and thus, with my own lack of boundaries, so do I. Controllers are everywhere, whether they realize it or not.
There are a few more passages that struck a chord with me:
"The earlier the child learns good boundaries, the less turmoil he or she experiences later in life[...]and a better transition into adulthood." (Page 75)
"When parents* pull away in hurt, disappointment, or passive rage, they are sending this message to their youngster: You are lovable when you behave. You aren't lovable when you don't behave[...]Children whose parents* withdraw when they start setting limits learn to accentuate and develop their compliant, loving, sensitive parts. At the same time, they learn to fear, distrust, and hate their aggressive, truth-telling, and separate parts. If someone they love pulls away when they become angry, cantankerous, or experimental, children learn to hide these parts of themselves." (Page 77)
This is basically how I would describe the gay side of me. When I go home, we do not speak of it, or if it comes up, the topic is consistently uncomfortable and short-lived. I act as straight as possible when I am around my family and straight male friends, even when I'm around other gay people and just don't want to appear "as gay." This builds not only a level of resentment toward them but also a certain unwillingness to spend time with them, to spend time back in the mask. In my past relationships, my insecurities have been flouted and mocked, but never allayed, and I have interpreted this to mean that my insecurities should be ignored in favor of a good show. Boy, does that ever mess a person up...
"Ever wonder why some Christians fear an angry God, no matter how much they read about his love?" (Page 79)
"Adult children of alcoholics** never feel safe in relationships. They're always waiting for the other person to let them down or attack them unexpectedly. They keep their guard up consistently." (Page 82)
While neither of my parents are alcoholics, I will say that, without their support, I approach relationships with distrust and cynicism. I can be quite taken with someone, and after one call from my mother, even if the subject of dating never comes up (which it doesn't, unless I bring it up), I am instantly convinced that this is another "naive infatuation" and that I'm better off ending it before I'm let down again. This is where I need to work hardest on my own boundaries. I can't let the disapproval of anyone else determine my own feelings. This hypersensitivity lets me live the lives of others while ignoring my own.
* Also applies to relationships
** Insert whatever addiction or obsession you so desire.
"No matter how much you talk to yourself, read, study, or practice, you can't develop or set boundaries apart from supportive relationships with God and others." (Page 66)
I do a lot of self-help reading, but it continues to be difficult for me when it comes to applying what I've learned to the real world, mostly because when I mention what I've learned, those who hear it out of context tend to downplay it and thus, with my own lack of boundaries, so do I. Controllers are everywhere, whether they realize it or not.
There are a few more passages that struck a chord with me:
"The earlier the child learns good boundaries, the less turmoil he or she experiences later in life[...]and a better transition into adulthood." (Page 75)
"When parents* pull away in hurt, disappointment, or passive rage, they are sending this message to their youngster: You are lovable when you behave. You aren't lovable when you don't behave[...]Children whose parents* withdraw when they start setting limits learn to accentuate and develop their compliant, loving, sensitive parts. At the same time, they learn to fear, distrust, and hate their aggressive, truth-telling, and separate parts. If someone they love pulls away when they become angry, cantankerous, or experimental, children learn to hide these parts of themselves." (Page 77)
This is basically how I would describe the gay side of me. When I go home, we do not speak of it, or if it comes up, the topic is consistently uncomfortable and short-lived. I act as straight as possible when I am around my family and straight male friends, even when I'm around other gay people and just don't want to appear "as gay." This builds not only a level of resentment toward them but also a certain unwillingness to spend time with them, to spend time back in the mask. In my past relationships, my insecurities have been flouted and mocked, but never allayed, and I have interpreted this to mean that my insecurities should be ignored in favor of a good show. Boy, does that ever mess a person up...
"Ever wonder why some Christians fear an angry God, no matter how much they read about his love?" (Page 79)
"Adult children of alcoholics** never feel safe in relationships. They're always waiting for the other person to let them down or attack them unexpectedly. They keep their guard up consistently." (Page 82)
While neither of my parents are alcoholics, I will say that, without their support, I approach relationships with distrust and cynicism. I can be quite taken with someone, and after one call from my mother, even if the subject of dating never comes up (which it doesn't, unless I bring it up), I am instantly convinced that this is another "naive infatuation" and that I'm better off ending it before I'm let down again. This is where I need to work hardest on my own boundaries. I can't let the disapproval of anyone else determine my own feelings. This hypersensitivity lets me live the lives of others while ignoring my own.
* Also applies to relationships
** Insert whatever addiction or obsession you so desire.
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