Chapter 3 details the different types of boundary problems. I identified with many of them.
Compliants
"When parents teach children that setting boundaries or saying no is bad, they are teaching them that others can do with them as they wish[...]To feel safe in such an evil world, children need to have the power to say things like: 'No.'" (Page 52)
"The inability to say no to the bad is pervasive. Not only does it keep us from refusing evil in our lives, it often keeps us from recognizing evil." (Page 53)
I've grossly misunderstood what "yes" really means. The way I've understood it, "yes" is the good, positive thing to say, that only negative, unlikable people say "no" to others, and so I've let myself be walked all over for years, because I could not say no, mostly out of fear. I believe this started in youthful conflicts with my brother. He would tease me mercilessly, and, lacking his mental sharpness, I would respond in the only way I understood: clobbering him, or at least attempting to. Most times, my parents would physically restrain me while my brother continued taunting me. I doubt they had bad intent; they just wanted to keep me from killing him. Nonetheless, my helplessness against his taunting and the regular reprimands that since I'm the oldest, I should be setting the example (Who the fuck understands what "setting the example" means at age 8?) somehow got planted in my head to the point that I've come to see abuse as not only unavoidable, but also somehow merited.
Avoidants
Avoidants refuse to ask for help, recognize their own needs, and let others in; they withdraw when they are in need but do not ask for the support of others. Again, here, I've been guilty as charged. Having been told many times, explicitly or implicitly, to stop whining or that negativity is not an attractive quality, it has become my impression that expressing my negative emotions (sadness, anger, jealousy, etc.) is the wrong thing to do and destroys friendships. Hence, the showmanship, the extreme cheer, and the complete refusal to accept help from others (or feelings of guilt when people do help me.)
Controllers
These are the people who can't hear "no," who either crush boundaries as impediments to their own agendas or else manipulate others out of their boundaries. These are the people who are most dangerous to me and also those whom I am learning to recognize early. While I'm getting better at recognizing them from afar, I still have a lot of work to do when it comes to getting away from a face-to-face manipulation.
Nonresponsives
Nonresponsives lack attention to the responsibilities of love, i.e. taking part in the emotional needs of those with whom they have relationships. The two kinds are critical, which projects self hatred onto others, and narcissistic, which is wholly self-absorbed. I need a lot of work here too. I get angry when others want to spend time with me, when I haven't finished my projects. I also stay distant from others' problems because I have so many of my own, to the point that I can be terribly insensitive.
The nice thing about this chapter is that it pinpoints very distinct patterns of insufficient boundaries. Having them laid out so clearly before my eyes, I am starting to notice them more in daily life. This is a good first step. Now I need to start applying them to real, off-the-page experiences.
Compliants
"When parents teach children that setting boundaries or saying no is bad, they are teaching them that others can do with them as they wish[...]To feel safe in such an evil world, children need to have the power to say things like: 'No.'" (Page 52)
"The inability to say no to the bad is pervasive. Not only does it keep us from refusing evil in our lives, it often keeps us from recognizing evil." (Page 53)
I've grossly misunderstood what "yes" really means. The way I've understood it, "yes" is the good, positive thing to say, that only negative, unlikable people say "no" to others, and so I've let myself be walked all over for years, because I could not say no, mostly out of fear. I believe this started in youthful conflicts with my brother. He would tease me mercilessly, and, lacking his mental sharpness, I would respond in the only way I understood: clobbering him, or at least attempting to. Most times, my parents would physically restrain me while my brother continued taunting me. I doubt they had bad intent; they just wanted to keep me from killing him. Nonetheless, my helplessness against his taunting and the regular reprimands that since I'm the oldest, I should be setting the example (Who the fuck understands what "setting the example" means at age 8?) somehow got planted in my head to the point that I've come to see abuse as not only unavoidable, but also somehow merited.
Avoidants
Avoidants refuse to ask for help, recognize their own needs, and let others in; they withdraw when they are in need but do not ask for the support of others. Again, here, I've been guilty as charged. Having been told many times, explicitly or implicitly, to stop whining or that negativity is not an attractive quality, it has become my impression that expressing my negative emotions (sadness, anger, jealousy, etc.) is the wrong thing to do and destroys friendships. Hence, the showmanship, the extreme cheer, and the complete refusal to accept help from others (or feelings of guilt when people do help me.)
Controllers
These are the people who can't hear "no," who either crush boundaries as impediments to their own agendas or else manipulate others out of their boundaries. These are the people who are most dangerous to me and also those whom I am learning to recognize early. While I'm getting better at recognizing them from afar, I still have a lot of work to do when it comes to getting away from a face-to-face manipulation.
Nonresponsives
Nonresponsives lack attention to the responsibilities of love, i.e. taking part in the emotional needs of those with whom they have relationships. The two kinds are critical, which projects self hatred onto others, and narcissistic, which is wholly self-absorbed. I need a lot of work here too. I get angry when others want to spend time with me, when I haven't finished my projects. I also stay distant from others' problems because I have so many of my own, to the point that I can be terribly insensitive.
The nice thing about this chapter is that it pinpoints very distinct patterns of insufficient boundaries. Having them laid out so clearly before my eyes, I am starting to notice them more in daily life. This is a good first step. Now I need to start applying them to real, off-the-page experiences.
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