This chapter starts with a story about a woman who calls a friend for a movie, having always taken the initiative to see this friend, who never calls, but her friend is unavailable. Yeah, been there.
I have a tendency to either expect too much from individual friends or to feel obligated to see certain others. Townsend and Cloud describe four types of relationship conflicts, but the one that resonates with me the most is the Compliant/Nonresponsive relationship, which I've recognized from its symptoms: depression, resentment, self esteem issues, etc. It manifests as a controlling nature; I feel that if I don't put forth 120% of the work, the friendship will die. Unfortunately, this means, in both friendship and relationships, that I tend to overwhelm the other person with my efforts then turn cold when they are not returned with the same intensity. Of course, the other person can be totally oblivious to my personal anxiety. To this, Cloud and Townsend say, "Each person must carry his own load."
Often, my commitment to commitment is so strong that it becomes a hindrance, but these statements resonated with me:
"[...]we cannot depend on commitment or sheer willpower, for they will always let us down[...]Being loved leads to commitment and willful decision making." (151)
This, of course, has been an enormous problem with my dating life. I commit before I know the feeling is mutual, and I give the extra 120% that I either don't get or refuse to take from my friends, which then leads to further abandonment and further hurt.
"[Dating] is not a place for young, injured souls to find healing." (153)
In order to combat my cravings for intimacy, the book recommends that I stop placing all of my emotional well being on an individual person and instead spread it over a group, chiefly a support group. This is a challenge for me, because I don't function socially in groups. I'm very much a one-on-one person, but focusing my light and my darkness on individuals creates a severing laser. Therefore, starting now but hopefully culminating in 2011, I'm going to search for a new support group or at least a group of friends with whom I genuinely mesh. Wish me luck.
I have a tendency to either expect too much from individual friends or to feel obligated to see certain others. Townsend and Cloud describe four types of relationship conflicts, but the one that resonates with me the most is the Compliant/Nonresponsive relationship, which I've recognized from its symptoms: depression, resentment, self esteem issues, etc. It manifests as a controlling nature; I feel that if I don't put forth 120% of the work, the friendship will die. Unfortunately, this means, in both friendship and relationships, that I tend to overwhelm the other person with my efforts then turn cold when they are not returned with the same intensity. Of course, the other person can be totally oblivious to my personal anxiety. To this, Cloud and Townsend say, "Each person must carry his own load."
Often, my commitment to commitment is so strong that it becomes a hindrance, but these statements resonated with me:
"[...]we cannot depend on commitment or sheer willpower, for they will always let us down[...]Being loved leads to commitment and willful decision making." (151)
This, of course, has been an enormous problem with my dating life. I commit before I know the feeling is mutual, and I give the extra 120% that I either don't get or refuse to take from my friends, which then leads to further abandonment and further hurt.
"[Dating] is not a place for young, injured souls to find healing." (153)
In order to combat my cravings for intimacy, the book recommends that I stop placing all of my emotional well being on an individual person and instead spread it over a group, chiefly a support group. This is a challenge for me, because I don't function socially in groups. I'm very much a one-on-one person, but focusing my light and my darkness on individuals creates a severing laser. Therefore, starting now but hopefully culminating in 2011, I'm going to search for a new support group or at least a group of friends with whom I genuinely mesh. Wish me luck.
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