2011 To-Smite List

I've been updating my To-Smite List weekly, but now that the year is coming to a close, it's also important to set more long-term goals. So, I'm going to set up a To-Smite List for the entire year of 2011. These are the goals that I hope to accomplish before December 31, 2011:

To Write:
HC Outline
JP
MY
M
The first three updated short stories for my website

To Read:
Agamemnon
Antigone
Avatar
An Education
Full Fairy Tale Collection (8 count)
Full Journal of Scientific Exploration
The Hurt Locker
In the Loop
The Kite Runner
The Last Station
Paradise Regained
Personal Finance for Dummies
Precious
The Road
A Serious Man
A Single Man
What Every Body Is Saying
The White Ribbon

To Watch:
8 1/2
Apocalypto
Barbershop
Being John Malkovich
Chariots of Fire
Cool Hand Luke
Coraline
The Decalogue
Dr. Strangelove
Knocked Up
Kung Fu Panda
La Terra Trema
La Vie En Rose
Louder than Bombs
Man Bites Dog
Memoirs of a Geisha
Michael Clayton
Mother
The Motorcycle Diaries
Patton
Precious
Riding Alone for Thousands of Miles
Scott Pilgrim vs. the World
Seven
Titanic
Waking Sleeping Beauty
Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?
Y Tu Mama Tambien?

To Build:
Language Chart
In So Many Words (Volumes 1-3)
The Little Prince (Spanish, French, and German)
Website Illustrations

To Acquire:
Flip Mino Video Camera
Tripod

To Photograph:
Calvary Cemetery
Flying Fish Festival at Catalina Island
Huntington Library and Gardens
Meditation Mount / Ojai
Salton Sea
San Miguel Island (Deferred until 2012)
Self Realization Fellowship Lake Shrine
Sequoia National Forest

To Remember:
Have fun

The Enigma of Kaspar Hauser

This is another one of those DVDs that has been sitting in my Netflix queue since who knows when. Then I got it in the mail, and it's been sitting on my desk for a month. So, I figured it was about time to watch it, especially since I have a soft spot for Werner Herzog after Grizzly Man and Incident at Loch Ness.

The story is based off an actual occurrence, in which a 17-year old boy appeared suddenly in Nuremberg, unable to speak or even relate, having spent his entire life locked in a cellar and mysteriously released. The people of the town then do their best to integrate him into society.

Right off the bat, I was jarred by the contrast between the legend and the character. I expected a teenager and got a balding man in his forties. Fortunately, no one tried to play him off as a teenager. Despite the confusion over age and a very slow start, the performance was delightful. Kaspar's origins as a lame, grunting creature and slow transcendence to cultured philosopher would serve as a worthy challenge for any actor. While it was difficult for me to like Kaspar at first, over time he began to grow on me. I found his way of speaking most endearing, as he would wax awkwardly philosophical in everything he said (apparently, some of this dialogue was taken from letters written by the actual Kaspar Hauser).

The story moved very slowly and did not allow for any sort of attachment to the characters. Nonetheless, it engrossed me, from the children teaching him rhymes to the Four Riddles at the Carnival (was the King of Punt drugged?) to the final mysteries surrounding Kaspar's dreams and murder, which, by the way, was terrifying enough without having to see it.

I liked this film a lot more than I expected, despite the DVD glitches. It was episodic, but it felt like a nice collection of vignettes that were enjoyable enough to earn four stars.

Boundaries (Chapter 10)

This chapter deals with how to set boundaries with your children. This doesn't resonate with me right now, but it does have some useful messages about helping others emotionally.

Ways to help someone emotionally:
• Allow them to talk about their anger
• Allow them to express grief, loss, or sadness without trying to cheer them up and talk them out of their feelings
• Encourage them to ask questions
• Ask them what they are feeling when they seem isolated or distressed; help them put words to their negative feelings

I especially want to address the second bullet point. I admit I don't really know how to act when someone else is upset; it's a fun part of Asperger's Syndrome. The instinct is to try and cheer the other person up, but really, sometimes grief is important. Sometimes it just takes some listening ears and a positive sort of silence, the presence of another, supportive human being. It is not unkind to give no offers of help or rescue, because each person's own healing must inevitably come from within. Supporters are rungs to the ladder; one cannot make an individual rung responsible for one's own journey up.

Coraline (The Screenplay)

Not having seen Coraline yet, I'll base this response on what information I was able to glean from it and whether I would be likely to see the movie. I will try to keep my response independent of reviews from friends and my own enjoyment of stop-motion animation.

While I feel that I didn't learn as much from this script as from the Inglourious Basterds screenplay, I did get another useful glimpse into taking one's time to let the story build, instead of just trying to rush the exposition out of the way and race through the rest of the story. The story really only takes place in two locations: the Pink Palace and the Other Pink Palace, which means that the story had to focus entirely on Coraline and her miserable, attention-starved life. There is a lot of time spent wandering in the garden and interacting with neighbors in seemingly trivial manners that provide entertainment and foreshadowing for their significance later in the story. Nonetheless, in this wandering, we learn a lot about Coraline and relate to her.

Structurally, we have a very distinct first turning point, where Coraline decides to return to the Other world, though it comes fairly late, around page 40 or so. We have a spot-on midpoint, where Coraline realizes that this fantasy world is actually hostile, and finally, our second turning point marks Coraline's need to return to the Other World for the final time to finish off the witch that took her in the first place. Littered throughout are imaginative images and fun characters, my favorite being mad Mr. Bobinsky, set up according to the rule of threes, which adds variety to Coraline's interactions up until Act 3 when all three mini-worlds have to come together.

I'd watch the movie for the sheer imagination of it. I think it has a unique message, that while life may be dull and empty at times, it sure beats having one's soul devoured by a witch with buttons for eyes. I'd like to see how it comes across on the screen, so I'm adding it to my Netflix queue.

Boundaries (Chapter 9)

There must always be reasonable consequences. I repeat, there must always be reasonable consequences. I've inherited a long list of empty threats, and it's difficult to invoke consequences for fear of destroying a relationship. Nonetheless, if one does not spray the dog with the water bottle, the dog will think shedding on the couch is perfectly appropriate behavior. Of course, this is a bad metaphor to apply to a chapter on marriage, but since I'm not married and won't be for a long time (at least), I'm going to apply this chapter to my life as best as I can.

The chapter opens with a story of a wife who is always late, which irritates the husband. He wants to go to a banquet and tells her to be ready by 6:00. When she isn't, he leaves without her. She is furious, but he had expressed his feelings, and she had ignored them. While this seems manipulative or passive-aggressive at first glance, if one discusses feelings and consequences at the onset, then actually following through shows the other person how their own actions harm them.

"Only we know what we can and want to give, and only we can be responsible for drawing that line. If we do not draw it, we can quickly become resentful." (162)

My lines have hitherto been hazy at best. I have volunteered to fight people's battles for them, to help them financially, and to call them every morning like a good boyfriend would, right? Boy, has the resentment built up after that 120% is met with a mere 50%. So, a new line must be drawn: excluding holidays, no favors unless requested specifically. For me, that will be tough as hell, but to preserve my own energy and allow myself to give more appropriately, the limit must be made. It is also my responsibility to allow others their choices but let them know that I, too, can choose not to tolerate them.

"Passive boundaries, such as withdrawal, triangulation, pouting, affairs, and passive-aggressive behavior, are extremely destructive to a relationship." (165)

Silence breeds silence; according to Simon and Garfunkel, it is a cancer. In silence, the imagination runs wild and a small conflict suddenly balloons into a culmination of all of one's resentment to the world pointed in a searing laser blast at the target person. This book recommends verbal communication followed by appropriate action for conflict resolution. It must be clear and unapologetic, even if the risk is the collapse of a relationship. If it is honest and the other person cannot tolerate it, then much is revealed of incompatibility. Without these measures, there can be no increase in intimacy or mutual understanding.

Finally, I need to take these messages to heart:

"A hurt heart takes time to heal. You cannot rush back into a position of trust with too much unresolved hurt. That hurt needs to be exposed and communicated. If you are hurting, you need to own that hurt." (166)

Separateness maintains a healthy longing. It gives the other person a chance to miss you.

Boundaries (Chapter 8)

This chapter starts with a story about a woman who calls a friend for a movie, having always taken the initiative to see this friend, who never calls, but her friend is unavailable. Yeah, been there.

I have a tendency to either expect too much from individual friends or to feel obligated to see certain others. Townsend and Cloud describe four types of relationship conflicts, but the one that resonates with me the most is the Compliant/Nonresponsive relationship, which I've recognized from its symptoms: depression, resentment, self esteem issues, etc. It manifests as a controlling nature; I feel that if I don't put forth 120% of the work, the friendship will die. Unfortunately, this means, in both friendship and relationships, that I tend to overwhelm the other person with my efforts then turn cold when they are not returned with the same intensity. Of course, the other person can be totally oblivious to my personal anxiety. To this, Cloud and Townsend say, "Each person must carry his own load."

Often, my commitment to commitment is so strong that it becomes a hindrance, but these statements resonated with me:

"[...]we cannot depend on commitment or sheer willpower, for they will always let us down[...]Being loved leads to commitment and willful decision making." (151)

This, of course, has been an enormous problem with my dating life. I commit before I know the feeling is mutual, and I give the extra 120% that I either don't get or refuse to take from my friends, which then leads to further abandonment and further hurt.

"[Dating] is not a place for young, injured souls to find healing." (153)

In order to combat my cravings for intimacy, the book recommends that I stop placing all of my emotional well being on an individual person and instead spread it over a group, chiefly a support group. This is a challenge for me, because I don't function socially in groups. I'm very much a one-on-one person, but focusing my light and my darkness on individuals creates a severing laser. Therefore, starting now but hopefully culminating in 2011, I'm going to search for a new support group or at least a group of friends with whom I genuinely mesh. Wish me luck.

Writing Progress

You could call it ironic how little I write about writing. I guess sometimes it just seems superfluous. Nonetheless, I should add a small update here on current projects.

I'm not working well under pressure. Now, when I say I'm not working well, I don't mean I'm not working diligently, but rather the product is not turning out as I'd hoped, largely because of panic. My current script has been lagging behind for quite some time, due to an obsession with deadlines. The pressure takes away my creative concentration. Therefore, I need to do one of two things. Either I need to get rid of the pressure or learn to blend creativity with it.

A lot of this will probably require a learning of patience, lots of patience. I noticed today that I've been getting really impatient with certain sections because they were running too long. It was only after I went back and looked them over that I realized that the sections themselves weren't long at all; it was the time I'd spent on those sections that had made them seem so arduous. It may also be time to learn how to push on and rewrite after, though, to be fair, I would like to have an excellent Act 1 ready to show before I press on to the remainder, because frankly, that's where the hook lies. Today, I shall press on past the twenty-page mark, finally. Fingers crossed that the pattern will continue into the coming week.

Boundaries (Chapter 7)

This chapter went into detail about boundaries and family. Lots to relate to here. Lots of work to do. It provides a list of steps to take for resolving many of the problems it brings up, but I will not detail them here; instead, my work on them will be cataloged in Ass Burgers. In any case, here were some of the highlights:

"In the perpetual child syndrome, a person may be financially on his own, but allows his family of origin to perform certain life management functions[...]This often happens in friendly, loving families, where things are so nice it’s hard to leave." (133)

It is nice to be one of those people who can still look forward to going home once in a while. My family and I have had our disagreements over the years, but nothing has really been catastrophic. Nonetheless, boundaries must be clarified. Take, for instance, the process of going home. In the past few years, I've developed the mentality that if I don't accept an invitation to go home or stay longer than I'd planned, I'm disappointing my parents. There doesn't even have to be anything said; it's all in a feeling. This may be part of the reason I still allow them to mostly determine what we do while I'm home and why I still let my mom handle a lot of my financial aspects. Severing this dependency in a reasonable manner will be my top goal when I go home for the holidays next week.

“Triangulation is the failure to resolve a conflict between two persons and the pulling in of a third to take sides. This is a boundary problem because the third person has no business in the conflict, but is used for comfort and validation by the ones who are afraid to confront each other. This is how conflicts persist, people don’t change, and enemies are made unnecessarily[…]What happens in the triangle is that people speak falsely, covering up their hatred with nice words and flattery.” (134)

This is prominent, but hardly limited to, my family dynamic. I've long been sought out as a listening ear for the issues that family members and friends have had with each other, and to be fair, I've often been the one searching out Person C to bemoan Person B. Sometimes this is necessary, such as when the other person is unavailable or too emotional, but the frequency with which it happens in my family, to the point that direct communication is something of a novelty, is ridiculous. While repairing this pattern will not be a goal of mine when I go home, staying out of the drama will be.

“Never say to a third party something about someone that you do not plan to say to the person himself.” (135)

This mirrors my Back-Door Policy, which states that one should "only say about another person what you wouldn't mind them hearing if they walked in the back door." It could also fall in with the Thumper Philosophy, but I'd say the main reason this will be important for me to follow is that there is no guarantee that Person C will keep your secret. When Person B finds out, there is nothing to prevent the shit from hitting the fan or the back door from slamming shut.

Some additional useful advice provided in this chapter include:

• Take in and receive the good (Don’t just understand your need; get it met!)
• Practice Boundary Skills (Practice them in situations where they will be honored and respected)
• Say no to the Bad (Avoid hurtful situations; don’t try to resolve too quickly)
• Forgive the aggressor (grudges keep to you tied to the person forever)
• Respond, don’t React (The difference is emotional; a calm response keeps your boundaries intact)
• Learn to love in freedom and responsibility, not in guilt (Boundaries mean you are gaining freedom to love)

This will serve as a reference for future self projects, but for now, I shall conclude with this last really useful message:

“Codependents are not doing good; they are allowing evil because they are afraid.” (141)

Fear dominates my life. It's time to overcome it.

Kiki's Delivery Service

The description on the Netflix sleeve as "gentle" could not be more accurate in describing Kiki's Delivery Service. As a fan of Hayao Miyazaki's work, I figured it would be important to add this movie to the list, though in all honesty, it didn't live up to his other works.

Despite the story centering on a witch, there was surprisingly little magic in the movie, which in some ways helped keep the focus on Kiki's personal journey, but for a fantasy film, I just wanted more. Fairly episodic in structure, it was more of a meditation on growing up than the adventure it claims to be. The conflicts were short-lived and sometimes vague, but in many ways, that embodies those fun pre-teen years.

I could, however, relate to the idea that immersing oneself too heavily in one's work strips the magic away from life. This wasn't just a be-yourself sort of story. Kiki had a mission to which she was entirely devoted: to become a witch. However, while focusing on that one goal, she lost her joy, her best friend, and even her ability to work on her goal. In a way, the message for work-related depression is pretty somber. Nonetheless, the ending turns out happily for all, and we are left with a feel-all-right sort of movie. I'd give it three stars, just because of the director.

Inglourious Basterds (The Screenplay)

In my ongoing quest for inspiration to write, I'm finally sitting down to read some past winners, starting with the epic (164-page) Inglourious Basterds, written and directed by Quentin Tarantino. Having already seen the movie and enjoyed it, I thought I would take a reverse perspective and, instead of seeing how written words adapted to the screen, see how what was on the screen originated. I found this helpful on a number of levels.

Firstly, there was the issue of length. Being 44 pages longer than my professors recommended throughout college, the script consists of long, but intense, dialogue scenes, divided into five chapters. Chapter One and Two are nearly twenty pages each, Chapter Three nearly forty, Chapter Four fifty, and Chapter Five nearly twenty. Page 77 marks what could either be considered the midpoint or the first Plot Point, because it is the first time a character really makes a big decision. Each chapter abounds with long, descriptive, even editorial, paragraphs that convey a sense of the world and the history of the characters, something my professors, again, said never to do. The reason, they say, is to avoid imposing on the director, which, in Tarantino's case as writer/director, doesn't apply. Nonetheless, I found the content effective. For instance:

"However, simply by sight, you'd never know if he's been beating at this stump for the last year or just started today." (3)

"After living for a year with the sword of Damocles suspended over his head, this may very well be the end." (3)

"The human beings are the DREYFUSES, who have lived lying down underneath the dairy farmer's house for the past year. But one couldn't call what the Dreyfuses have done for the last year living. This family has done the only thing they could—hide from an occupying army that wishes to exterminate them." (11)

"Shoshanna isn't falling for the young German by any stretch. However, his exploits, as well as his charming manner, can't help but impress. But his referring to Goebbels as 'Joseph,' like they're friends, is all she needs to get on the right side of things. This young man is trouble with a capital T, and she needs to stay far fucking away from him." (55)

"Considering that Shoshanna grew up on a dairy farm, and the last time she was on a dairy farm, her strudel companion murdered her entire family, his ordering her milk is, to say the least... disconcerting." (68)

"Strangling the very life out of somebody with your bare hands is the most violent act a human being can commit. Also, only humans strangle, opposable thumbs being quite an important part of the endeavor. As Hans Landa stands, the sheer violence he had to call on to accomplish this task still surges through him. He tries to gain control of the trembling that is rippling through his body. He takes out a silver S.S. FLASK (filled with peach schnapps) and knocks back a couple of swigs. He holds his hand out in front of him. The TREMBLING is beginning to subside." (139)

Nonetheless, despite the lengthy descriptions and notes to self, this particular screenplay serves as an excellent example of how to cut content in the transition from script to screen. There are many pages in the script about how Shoshanna meets Madame Mimeux, the theater owner, and comes into her apprenticeship. There are pages of Shoshanna reflecting over her relationship with Madam Mimeux. None of them made it to the screen. Did the movie need them? Not really. All we needed to know was that, after escaping the murder of her family, Shoshanna found her way to Paris, changed her name, and acquired a movie theater. Plain and simple, no problem.

Tarantino also does something with scene headers that I appreciate, which is that, in a quickly paced scene, he does not insert full headers, but rather announces the transitions through sub-slugs: "FROM HERE ON WE GO BACK AND FORTH BETWEEN ALDO AND HITLER," "WE SEE JUST A SUPER-QUICK SHOT OF Goebbels FUCKING Francesca DOGGY-STYLE," etc. This removes some of the distraction caused by headings and lets the reader focus on the content.

A more minor, yet excellent, cut came about in the exposing of Bridget Von Hammersmark's espionage. In the script, Col. Landa unmasks her by interrogating a wounded soldier, revealed in a comic-book-like thought bubble. However, in the film, all he has to do is discover the signed napkin that Hammersmark gave to the same wounded soldier (now dead), and there's his answer with a few extra minutes to spare and no need to take us totally out of the movie into a comic book.

Finally, there are a few highlights that I would like to point out where Tarantino's skillful blending of literary description and dialogue reveals endless information about the characters and how the actors could approach the parts.

"COL. LANDA: Please, join me at your table." (10)

---

"He looks her in the face and, filled with tremendous guilt, because if he's successful tonight he's going to blow this cute french girl to smithereens, he says:

HIRSCHBERG
Grazie.

The cute Franch girl looks back at the goofy-looking Italian boy with slicked-back hair that makes him look kind of Jewish with tremendous guilt, knowing if she is successful tonight, she's going to burn him alive, and says:

SHOSHANNA
Prego." (135-136)

The performances came across powerfully, and what could easily have been long, tedious dialogue scenes crackled with tension and left me mesmerized by the characters. Regardless of the rules of directing, there is much to be said for the way Tarantino structured his film and put forth the extra lines to add further depth. Thus must be laid to rest the myths that a long script is a tedious script, that a writer can't have fun with mise en scène, and that scenes over five pages are ineffective.

Boundaries (Chapter 6)

Chapter 6 details the myths surrounding boundaries. A lot of them resonated with me, but the following did more than others.

Myth 2: Boundaries are a sign of disobedience

This continues the discussion on compulsive agreement, particularly the disparity between an external yes and an internal no. When we say yes to someone but really mean no, we are only complying, which is basically lying. To say yes for the sake of maintaining an external peace, while resentment for the decision builds internally, is to do a disservice to oneself and others. In fact, being able to say no to someone is a higher way of loving than simply bending to another's wishes.

"We must always say yes out of a heart of love. When our motivation is fear, we love not." (Page 111)

Myth 3: If I Begin Setting Boundaries, I Will Be Hurt by Others

"We can't manipulate people into swallowing our boundaries by sugarcoating them. Boundaries are a 'litmus test' for the quality of our relationships." (Page 112)

Myth 4: If I Set Boundaries, I Will Hurt Others

"Even when someone has a valid problem, there are times when we can't sacrifice for some reason or other.[...]We all need more than God and a best friend. We need a group of supportive relationships. The reason is simple: having more than one person in our lives allows our friends to be human. To be busy. To be unavailable at times. To hurt and have problems of their own. To have time alone." (Page 115)

Myth 7: Boundaries Cause Feelings of Guilt

"What do we owe not only our parents, but anyone who's been loving toward us?[...]The idea is that because we have received something, we owe something. The problem is the nonexistent debt. The love we receive, or money, or time—or anything which causes us to feel obligated—should be accepted as a gift. / 'Gift' implies no strings attached. All that's really needed is gratitude." (Page 123)

This reading came a day too late, but fortunately, the experience was marked by a perfect case study example of a boundary violation. While waiting for my friend outside a movie theater, I was accosted by a worker for Children International. Apart from being the spitting image of my cousin, in face and mannerism, she immediately set about to telling me why I would sign up to donate right then and there.

Despite my half-hearted attempts to reason with her why I couldn't justify signing up for a monthly donation at this stage of my life, she very quickly pointed out that the monthly cost is equivalent to eating out twice and told me to get out my credit card. At this point, there were two voices playing in my head, Fiscal Responsibility and Compassion. With my financial futures so uncertain, I don't know how many more monthly expenses I can handle and for how long. On the other hand, I would like to make a difference in a child's life, and I was charmed by the representation of the organization in About Schmidt. The problem I had was in being told then and there that I would do it, that I couldn't take home any paperwork and think about it, and that I'd get two letters a year from whomever my mysterious child will be. The onslaught overwhelmed me, I acquiesced, and I instantly felt sick. I had complied, because I couldn't say no to the pressure. The organization offers refunds, but then the question of whether this might just be something worthwhile holds me back.

While I felt angry at myself for several days after, I at least know now, after reading this chapter, that it is perfectly legitimate to say no to someone when saying yes could be in some way damaging. Whether I request a refund or not will depend on the course of the next 30 days.

Boundaries (Chapter 5)

No big self-analyses for this chapter. Instead, I'm just going to share a few useful tidbits that I've gleaned from the text:

The first step in a 12-Step program, admitting powerlessness over addiction, establishes the fact that you want to do one thing but repeatedly do the opposite. One then asks God (one's higher power) for help to find the right path for you. The process of repentance, therefore, is establishing the negative parts of your life that you want to change.

"'I'm loving too much.'
'How can you love too much?'
'I do far more for people than I should. And that makes me very depressed.'
'I'm not quite sure what you are doing, but it certainly isn't love. The Bible says that true love leads to a blessed state and a state of cheer. Love brings happiness, not depression. If your loving is depressing you, it's probably not love.'" (Page 93)

If you're motivated by fear, you are not loving. If you say yes to everything, you are not loving. If you are motivated by shame over receiving and feel compelled to pay someone back for a gift, you are not loving. The Law of Motivation states: Freedom first, service second. The virtue is in giving freely without compulsion.

"It is crucial for victims of abuse to feel the rage and hatred of being powerless, but to be screaming 'victim rights' for the rest of their lives is being stuck in a 'victim mentality.'" (Page 98)

"Proactive people show you what they love, what they want, what they purpose, and what they stand for[...]Proactive people do not demand rights, they live them." (Page 98)

Boundaries (Chapter 4)

I should start this section with one of the most spot-on observations in this chapter:

"No matter how much you talk to yourself, read, study, or practice, you can't develop or set boundaries apart from supportive relationships with God and others." (Page 66)

I do a lot of self-help reading, but it continues to be difficult for me when it comes to applying what I've learned to the real world, mostly because when I mention what I've learned, those who hear it out of context tend to downplay it and thus, with my own lack of boundaries, so do I. Controllers are everywhere, whether they realize it or not.

There are a few more passages that struck a chord with me:

"The earlier the child learns good boundaries, the less turmoil he or she experiences later in life[...]and a better transition into adulthood." (Page 75)

"When parents* pull away in hurt, disappointment, or passive rage, they are sending this message to their youngster: You are lovable when you behave. You aren't lovable when you don't behave[...]Children whose parents* withdraw when they start setting limits learn to accentuate and develop their compliant, loving, sensitive parts. At the same time, they learn to fear, distrust, and hate their aggressive, truth-telling, and separate parts. If someone they love pulls away when they become angry, cantankerous, or experimental, children learn to hide these parts of themselves." (Page 77)

This is basically how I would describe the gay side of me. When I go home, we do not speak of it, or if it comes up, the topic is consistently uncomfortable and short-lived. I act as straight as possible when I am around my family and straight male friends, even when I'm around other gay people and just don't want to appear "as gay." This builds not only a level of resentment toward them but also a certain unwillingness to spend time with them, to spend time back in the mask. In my past relationships, my insecurities have been flouted and mocked, but never allayed, and I have interpreted this to mean that my insecurities should be ignored in favor of a good show. Boy, does that ever mess a person up...

"Ever wonder why some Christians fear an angry God, no matter how much they read about his love?" (Page 79)

"Adult children of alcoholics** never feel safe in relationships. They're always waiting for the other person to let them down or attack them unexpectedly. They keep their guard up consistently." (Page 82)

While neither of my parents are alcoholics, I will say that, without their support, I approach relationships with distrust and cynicism. I can be quite taken with someone, and after one call from my mother, even if the subject of dating never comes up (which it doesn't, unless I bring it up), I am instantly convinced that this is another "naive infatuation" and that I'm better off ending it before I'm let down again. This is where I need to work hardest on my own boundaries. I can't let the disapproval of anyone else determine my own feelings. This hypersensitivity lets me live the lives of others while ignoring my own.

---

^{* Also applies to relationships
** Insert whatever addiction or obsession you so desire.}

Boundaries (Chapter 3)

Chapter 3 details the different types of boundary problems. I identified with many of them.

Compliants
"When parents teach children that setting boundaries or saying no is bad, they are teaching them that others can do with them as they wish[...]To feel safe in such an evil world, children need to have the power to say things like: 'No.'" (Page 52)

"The inability to say no to the bad is pervasive. Not only does it keep us from refusing evil in our lives, it often keeps us from recognizing evil." (Page 53)

I've grossly misunderstood what "yes" really means. The way I've understood it, "yes" is the good, positive thing to say, that only negative, unlikable people say "no" to others, and so I've let myself be walked all over for years, because I could not say no, mostly out of fear. I believe this started in youthful conflicts with my brother. He would tease me mercilessly, and, lacking his mental sharpness, I would respond in the only way I understood: clobbering him, or at least attempting to. Most times, my parents would physically restrain me while my brother continued taunting me. I doubt they had bad intent; they just wanted to keep me from killing him. Nonetheless, my helplessness against his taunting and the regular reprimands that since I'm the oldest, I should be setting the example (Who the fuck understands what "setting the example" means at age 8?) somehow got planted in my head to the point that I've come to see abuse as not only unavoidable, but also somehow merited.

Avoidants

Avoidants refuse to ask for help, recognize their own needs, and let others in; they withdraw when they are in need but do not ask for the support of others. Again, here, I've been guilty as charged. Having been told many times, explicitly or implicitly, to stop whining or that negativity is not an attractive quality, it has become my impression that expressing my negative emotions (sadness, anger, jealousy, etc.) is the wrong thing to do and destroys friendships. Hence, the showmanship, the extreme cheer, and the complete refusal to accept help from others (or feelings of guilt when people do help me.)

Controllers

These are the people who can't hear "no," who either crush boundaries as impediments to their own agendas or else manipulate others out of their boundaries. These are the people who are most dangerous to me and also those whom I am learning to recognize early. While I'm getting better at recognizing them from afar, I still have a lot of work to do when it comes to getting away from a face-to-face manipulation.

Nonresponsives

Nonresponsives lack attention to the responsibilities of love, i.e. taking part in the emotional needs of those with whom they have relationships. The two kinds are critical, which projects self hatred onto others, and narcissistic, which is wholly self-absorbed. I need a lot of work here too. I get angry when others want to spend time with me, when I haven't finished my projects. I also stay distant from others' problems because I have so many of my own, to the point that I can be terribly insensitive.

The nice thing about this chapter is that it pinpoints very distinct patterns of insufficient boundaries. Having them laid out so clearly before my eyes, I am starting to notice them more in daily life. This is a good first step. Now I need to start applying them to real, off-the-page experiences.