There must always be reasonable consequences. I repeat, there must always be reasonable consequences. I've inherited a long list of empty threats, and it's difficult to invoke consequences for fear of destroying a relationship. Nonetheless, if one does not spray the dog with the water bottle, the dog will think shedding on the couch is perfectly appropriate behavior. Of course, this is a bad metaphor to apply to a chapter on marriage, but since I'm not married and won't be for a long time (at least), I'm going to apply this chapter to my life as best as I can.
The chapter opens with a story of a wife who is always late, which irritates the husband. He wants to go to a banquet and tells her to be ready by 6:00. When she isn't, he leaves without her. She is furious, but he had expressed his feelings, and she had ignored them. While this seems manipulative or passive-aggressive at first glance, if one discusses feelings and consequences at the onset, then actually following through shows the other person how their own actions harm them.
"Only we know what we can and want to give, and only we can be responsible for drawing that line. If we do not draw it, we can quickly become resentful." (162)
My lines have hitherto been hazy at best. I have volunteered to fight people's battles for them, to help them financially, and to call them every morning like a good boyfriend would, right? Boy, has the resentment built up after that 120% is met with a mere 50%. So, a new line must be drawn: excluding holidays, no favors unless requested specifically. For me, that will be tough as hell, but to preserve my own energy and allow myself to give more appropriately, the limit must be made. It is also my responsibility to allow others their choices but let them know that I, too, can choose not to tolerate them.
"Passive boundaries, such as withdrawal, triangulation, pouting, affairs, and passive-aggressive behavior, are extremely destructive to a relationship." (165)
Silence breeds silence; according to Simon and Garfunkel, it is a cancer. In silence, the imagination runs wild and a small conflict suddenly balloons into a culmination of all of one's resentment to the world pointed in a searing laser blast at the target person. This book recommends verbal communication followed by appropriate action for conflict resolution. It must be clear and unapologetic, even if the risk is the collapse of a relationship. If it is honest and the other person cannot tolerate it, then much is revealed of incompatibility. Without these measures, there can be no increase in intimacy or mutual understanding.
Finally, I need to take these messages to heart:
"A hurt heart takes time to heal. You cannot rush back into a position of trust with too much unresolved hurt. That hurt needs to be exposed and communicated. If you are hurting, you need to own that hurt." (166)
Separateness maintains a healthy longing. It gives the other person a chance to miss you.
The chapter opens with a story of a wife who is always late, which irritates the husband. He wants to go to a banquet and tells her to be ready by 6:00. When she isn't, he leaves without her. She is furious, but he had expressed his feelings, and she had ignored them. While this seems manipulative or passive-aggressive at first glance, if one discusses feelings and consequences at the onset, then actually following through shows the other person how their own actions harm them.
"Only we know what we can and want to give, and only we can be responsible for drawing that line. If we do not draw it, we can quickly become resentful." (162)
My lines have hitherto been hazy at best. I have volunteered to fight people's battles for them, to help them financially, and to call them every morning like a good boyfriend would, right? Boy, has the resentment built up after that 120% is met with a mere 50%. So, a new line must be drawn: excluding holidays, no favors unless requested specifically. For me, that will be tough as hell, but to preserve my own energy and allow myself to give more appropriately, the limit must be made. It is also my responsibility to allow others their choices but let them know that I, too, can choose not to tolerate them.
"Passive boundaries, such as withdrawal, triangulation, pouting, affairs, and passive-aggressive behavior, are extremely destructive to a relationship." (165)
Silence breeds silence; according to Simon and Garfunkel, it is a cancer. In silence, the imagination runs wild and a small conflict suddenly balloons into a culmination of all of one's resentment to the world pointed in a searing laser blast at the target person. This book recommends verbal communication followed by appropriate action for conflict resolution. It must be clear and unapologetic, even if the risk is the collapse of a relationship. If it is honest and the other person cannot tolerate it, then much is revealed of incompatibility. Without these measures, there can be no increase in intimacy or mutual understanding.
Finally, I need to take these messages to heart:
"A hurt heart takes time to heal. You cannot rush back into a position of trust with too much unresolved hurt. That hurt needs to be exposed and communicated. If you are hurting, you need to own that hurt." (166)
Separateness maintains a healthy longing. It gives the other person a chance to miss you.
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