This chapter went into detail about boundaries and family. Lots to relate to here. Lots of work to do. It provides a list of steps to take for resolving many of the problems it brings up, but I will not detail them here; instead, my work on them will be cataloged in Ass Burgers. In any case, here were some of the highlights:
"In the perpetual child syndrome, a person may be financially on his own, but allows his family of origin to perform certain life management functions[...]This often happens in friendly, loving families, where things are so nice it’s hard to leave." (133)
It is nice to be one of those people who can still look forward to going home once in a while. My family and I have had our disagreements over the years, but nothing has really been catastrophic. Nonetheless, boundaries must be clarified. Take, for instance, the process of going home. In the past few years, I've developed the mentality that if I don't accept an invitation to go home or stay longer than I'd planned, I'm disappointing my parents. There doesn't even have to be anything said; it's all in a feeling. This may be part of the reason I still allow them to mostly determine what we do while I'm home and why I still let my mom handle a lot of my financial aspects. Severing this dependency in a reasonable manner will be my top goal when I go home for the holidays next week.
“Triangulation is the failure to resolve a conflict between two persons and the pulling in of a third to take sides. This is a boundary problem because the third person has no business in the conflict, but is used for comfort and validation by the ones who are afraid to confront each other. This is how conflicts persist, people don’t change, and enemies are made unnecessarily[…]What happens in the triangle is that people speak falsely, covering up their hatred with nice words and flattery.” (134)
This is prominent, but hardly limited to, my family dynamic. I've long been sought out as a listening ear for the issues that family members and friends have had with each other, and to be fair, I've often been the one searching out Person C to bemoan Person B. Sometimes this is necessary, such as when the other person is unavailable or too emotional, but the frequency with which it happens in my family, to the point that direct communication is something of a novelty, is ridiculous. While repairing this pattern will not be a goal of mine when I go home, staying out of the drama will be.
“Never say to a third party something about someone that you do not plan to say to the person himself.” (135)
This mirrors my Back-Door Policy, which states that one should "only say about another person what you wouldn't mind them hearing if they walked in the back door." It could also fall in with the Thumper Philosophy, but I'd say the main reason this will be important for me to follow is that there is no guarantee that Person C will keep your secret. When Person B finds out, there is nothing to prevent the shit from hitting the fan or the back door from slamming shut.
Some additional useful advice provided in this chapter include:
“Codependents are not doing good; they are allowing evil because they are afraid.” (141)
Fear dominates my life. It's time to overcome it.
"In the perpetual child syndrome, a person may be financially on his own, but allows his family of origin to perform certain life management functions[...]This often happens in friendly, loving families, where things are so nice it’s hard to leave." (133)
It is nice to be one of those people who can still look forward to going home once in a while. My family and I have had our disagreements over the years, but nothing has really been catastrophic. Nonetheless, boundaries must be clarified. Take, for instance, the process of going home. In the past few years, I've developed the mentality that if I don't accept an invitation to go home or stay longer than I'd planned, I'm disappointing my parents. There doesn't even have to be anything said; it's all in a feeling. This may be part of the reason I still allow them to mostly determine what we do while I'm home and why I still let my mom handle a lot of my financial aspects. Severing this dependency in a reasonable manner will be my top goal when I go home for the holidays next week.
“Triangulation is the failure to resolve a conflict between two persons and the pulling in of a third to take sides. This is a boundary problem because the third person has no business in the conflict, but is used for comfort and validation by the ones who are afraid to confront each other. This is how conflicts persist, people don’t change, and enemies are made unnecessarily[…]What happens in the triangle is that people speak falsely, covering up their hatred with nice words and flattery.” (134)
This is prominent, but hardly limited to, my family dynamic. I've long been sought out as a listening ear for the issues that family members and friends have had with each other, and to be fair, I've often been the one searching out Person C to bemoan Person B. Sometimes this is necessary, such as when the other person is unavailable or too emotional, but the frequency with which it happens in my family, to the point that direct communication is something of a novelty, is ridiculous. While repairing this pattern will not be a goal of mine when I go home, staying out of the drama will be.
“Never say to a third party something about someone that you do not plan to say to the person himself.” (135)
This mirrors my Back-Door Policy, which states that one should "only say about another person what you wouldn't mind them hearing if they walked in the back door." It could also fall in with the Thumper Philosophy, but I'd say the main reason this will be important for me to follow is that there is no guarantee that Person C will keep your secret. When Person B finds out, there is nothing to prevent the shit from hitting the fan or the back door from slamming shut.
Some additional useful advice provided in this chapter include:
- Take in and receive the good (Don’t just understand your need; get it met!)
- Practice Boundary Skills (Practice them in situations where they will be honored and respected)
- Say no to the Bad (Avoid hurtful situations; don’t try to resolve too quickly)
- Forgive the aggressor (grudges keep to you tied to the person forever)
- Respond, don’t React (The difference is emotional; a calm response keeps your boundaries intact)
- Learn to love in freedom and responsibility, not in guilt (Boundaries mean you are gaining freedom to love)
“Codependents are not doing good; they are allowing evil because they are afraid.” (141)
Fear dominates my life. It's time to overcome it.
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