Chapter 6 details the myths surrounding boundaries. A lot of them resonated with me, but the following did more than others.
Myth 2: Boundaries are a sign of disobedience
This continues the discussion on compulsive agreement, particularly the disparity between an external yes and an internal no. When we say yes to someone but really mean no, we are only complying, which is basically lying. To say yes for the sake of maintaining an external peace, while resentment for the decision builds internally, is to do a disservice to oneself and others. In fact, being able to say no to someone is a higher way of loving than simply bending to another's wishes.
"We must always say yes out of a heart of love. When our motivation is fear, we love not." (Page 111)
Myth 3: If I Begin Setting Boundaries, I Will Be Hurt by Others
"We can't manipulate people into swallowing our boundaries by sugarcoating them. Boundaries are a 'litmus test' for the quality of our relationships." (Page 112)
Myth 4: If I Set Boundaries, I Will Hurt Others
"Even when someone has a valid problem, there are times when we can't sacrifice for some reason or other.[...]We all need more than God and a best friend. We need a group of supportive relationships. The reason is simple: having more than one person in our lives allows our friends to be human. To be busy. To be unavailable at times. To hurt and have problems of their own. To have time alone." (Page 115)
Myth 7: Boundaries Cause Feelings of Guilt
"What do we owe not only our parents, but anyone who's been loving toward us?[...]The idea is that because we have received something, we owe something. The problem is the nonexistent debt. The love we receive, or money, or time—or anything which causes us to feel obligated—should be accepted as a gift. / 'Gift' implies no strings attached. All that's really needed is gratitude." (Page 123)
This reading came a day too late, but fortunately, the experience was marked by a perfect case study example of a boundary violation. While waiting for my friend outside a movie theater, I was accosted by a worker for Children International. Apart from being the spitting image of my cousin, in face and mannerism, she immediately set about to telling me why I would sign up to donate right then and there.
Despite my half-hearted attempts to reason with her why I couldn't justify signing up for a monthly donation at this stage of my life, she very quickly pointed out that the monthly cost is equivalent to eating out twice and told me to get out my credit card. At this point, there were two voices playing in my head, Fiscal Responsibility and Compassion. With my financial futures so uncertain, I don't know how many more monthly expenses I can handle and for how long. On the other hand, I would like to make a difference in a child's life, and I was charmed by the representation of the organization in About Schmidt. The problem I had was in being told then and there that I would do it, that I couldn't take home any paperwork and think about it, and that I'd get two letters a year from whomever my mysterious child will be. The onslaught overwhelmed me, I acquiesced, and I instantly felt sick. I had complied, because I couldn't say no to the pressure. The organization offers refunds, but then the question of whether this might just be something worthwhile holds me back.
While I felt angry at myself for several days after, I at least know now, after reading this chapter, that it is perfectly legitimate to say no to someone when saying yes could be in some way damaging. Whether I request a refund or not will depend on the course of the next 30 days.
Myth 2: Boundaries are a sign of disobedience
This continues the discussion on compulsive agreement, particularly the disparity between an external yes and an internal no. When we say yes to someone but really mean no, we are only complying, which is basically lying. To say yes for the sake of maintaining an external peace, while resentment for the decision builds internally, is to do a disservice to oneself and others. In fact, being able to say no to someone is a higher way of loving than simply bending to another's wishes.
"We must always say yes out of a heart of love. When our motivation is fear, we love not." (Page 111)
Myth 3: If I Begin Setting Boundaries, I Will Be Hurt by Others
"We can't manipulate people into swallowing our boundaries by sugarcoating them. Boundaries are a 'litmus test' for the quality of our relationships." (Page 112)
Myth 4: If I Set Boundaries, I Will Hurt Others
"Even when someone has a valid problem, there are times when we can't sacrifice for some reason or other.[...]We all need more than God and a best friend. We need a group of supportive relationships. The reason is simple: having more than one person in our lives allows our friends to be human. To be busy. To be unavailable at times. To hurt and have problems of their own. To have time alone." (Page 115)
Myth 7: Boundaries Cause Feelings of Guilt
"What do we owe not only our parents, but anyone who's been loving toward us?[...]The idea is that because we have received something, we owe something. The problem is the nonexistent debt. The love we receive, or money, or time—or anything which causes us to feel obligated—should be accepted as a gift. / 'Gift' implies no strings attached. All that's really needed is gratitude." (Page 123)
This reading came a day too late, but fortunately, the experience was marked by a perfect case study example of a boundary violation. While waiting for my friend outside a movie theater, I was accosted by a worker for Children International. Apart from being the spitting image of my cousin, in face and mannerism, she immediately set about to telling me why I would sign up to donate right then and there.
Despite my half-hearted attempts to reason with her why I couldn't justify signing up for a monthly donation at this stage of my life, she very quickly pointed out that the monthly cost is equivalent to eating out twice and told me to get out my credit card. At this point, there were two voices playing in my head, Fiscal Responsibility and Compassion. With my financial futures so uncertain, I don't know how many more monthly expenses I can handle and for how long. On the other hand, I would like to make a difference in a child's life, and I was charmed by the representation of the organization in About Schmidt. The problem I had was in being told then and there that I would do it, that I couldn't take home any paperwork and think about it, and that I'd get two letters a year from whomever my mysterious child will be. The onslaught overwhelmed me, I acquiesced, and I instantly felt sick. I had complied, because I couldn't say no to the pressure. The organization offers refunds, but then the question of whether this might just be something worthwhile holds me back.
While I felt angry at myself for several days after, I at least know now, after reading this chapter, that it is perfectly legitimate to say no to someone when saying yes could be in some way damaging. Whether I request a refund or not will depend on the course of the next 30 days.
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